16、Dream off ...
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1.
Last night, I dreamed of my mother. When I woke up, my eyes were filled with tears.
I dreamed that Xihe and I were living in a small shabby house. Mom visited me with my little sister. However, she blamed me for everything.
I didn't stand up for myself any more.
Then I heard my sister brown-nosing mom to get some gifts.
Mom agreed, turning around to go buy the gifts. I was left alone, feeling so upset.
However, when mom was back, she didn't bring any gifts with her. Instead, there was a thick coat in her hand. I was shocked, seeing her, without any words.
Mom said in her normal way: "I actually went out to get the coat for you, you must be cold."
At that moment I was awake, only to find tears streamimg down my face.
2.
How many pills must I take to make this dream real?
3.
I suppose I still love her. It has been slated in my spirit since I was younger, with an expectation for being loved by my mother.
But love was spoiled by more and more blame and venting.
"You are selfish."
"You are a terrible daughter."
"You've let me down."
"You are useless!"
……
If I didn't love her, I wouldn't resent her.
Love turned to hate is the hardest knot to untie.
4.
Can we ever be back?
No, we can't.
A loveless woman, who married and became a mother without thinking, loved her home, her family and her man. However, she does not love me that much. Probably she had loved me when I was younger.
She often says that when I was born, she held me to urinate, looking at me and thinking that she would remember this moment forever—it was a rare memory of her lovely daughter.
But after she got divorced, she started a new family. Then I became a burden in her eyes.
All the insults, beatings, and violence I suffered as a child left me with deep pain. I can't get rid of those memories, and they still trouble me today.
Day after day, the pain with hatred grew, spoiling my spirits, making me lose sleep and weight, go crazy and feel like I was dying over and over again.
I had prayed to God, wondering what should I do with my feelings.
Nevertheless, is that all her fault?
Maybe not. It is because she is just a loveless person, a completely pitiful one. She can't hold on to her fury and pains. Someone must help her bear the pain.
That said, if I don't blame her, where can my pain go?
5.
I resent her only because I still love her.
If I just wanted her money, or if I were cold-hearted enough, or even stupid enough, why would I torture myself over the love she can never give me?
But she’ll never bother to understand my pain, never care to take in my sorrow.
Even though this sadness all started because of her.
6.
I’ve tried to understand her hardships. Every time I do, my heart feels like it’s being stabbed. I want to go to her, to find her.
But her sharp, mean words always crush all my hope right away.
How could I forget? She doesn’t love me, and she can never give me the love I want so badly.
7.
By the time I write this, I’m already sobbing my heart out.
My crying wakes up my lover, who’s fast asleep. He mumbles sleepily and comes over to ask, “Baby, are you crying?”
This reminds me of all those nights when I was little, crying silently under the covers. I wished so badly that Mom would notice, but I was also scared she would. If she saw me crying, she’d definitely yell at me all over again.
God is really good to me. All the things I lost in my childhood—warmth, care, love—I’ve gotten them back later from my teachers, my friends, and my lover.
But there’s still an empty spot deep in my heart. There lives a little girl from more than ten years ago, a girl who knew nothing, who only wanted Mom to be happy, to smile at her, to talk to her gently, to encourage and support her.
That little girl’s whole world was her mom, even though her mom always ignored her.
8.
Now, I don’t want to get married, let alone have kids.
There are many reasons, but one thing I’m sure about:
I don’t want to become the kind of mother she was in her marriage.
Slaving away for a man, for a home she has to hold up all by herself, wearing herself out completely, until she loses herself—until her world is no bigger than that man and the tiny space around her.
And I definitely don’t want to become a person who hurts others once I have a child.
I know exactly where my trauma comes from, and I also know I’d never be a good mom.
Chances are, I’d unconsciously pass the pain I suffered onto my kid. No matter how many times I tell myself, “I won’t be like her, I can’t be like her.”
When my emotions take over, I almost can’t control myself.
Just like my mom. I’m sure when she was little, suffering from her own mom’s neglect, curses, beatings and cruelty, she also told herself she’d never do that to her own child.
But even people who’ve spent years working on themselves can barely escape this cycle of hurt.
Let alone her—she’s just an ordinary woman who’s always longed to be loved.
9.
I still don’t know how to make peace with all this, or how to face this messed-up feeling I have for her.
The only thing I can do is stay away—away from her blaming words, away from her disapproval and dislike for me.
But I still think about her, all the time. I think about when I was little, curling up in her arms, watching TV together. I think about the mornings we lazed in bed, playing around. I think about the times we walked down the street, holding hands.
I know we can never go back.
I can’t let her go.
And I can’t let myself go, either.
December 13, 2025
作者有话说
第16章 Dream off
，还差